Harry Potter and the Chamber of Semen
by M.M. Rowling
Summary: The real shit begins.
1. The Shittiest Ass Birthday

CHAPTER ONE

THE SHITTIEST ASS BIRTHDAY

"Pass the fucking bacon or I'll say the magic word," said Harry.

Uncle Vernon had a field day.

"I DON'T NEGOTIATE," thundered his uncle, "WITH ASSHOLES."

"Fuck off —"

"I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS BULLSHIT!"

"Fuck you and your dinner party," said Harry.

"What the fuck will you be doing?" said Uncle Vernon.

"I'll be in my bedroom, jerking," said Harry.

"Nasty little shit," said Uncle Vernon.

"Stay the fuck out of the way," he snarled.

Harry strolled into the garden.

He stared into the hedge — _and the hedge was mooning him_.

Dudley rolled over.

"Today's my _birthday_. Trim the fucking hedge or I'll set fire to the rain," said Harry.

"Eat a d-dick — Dad said you're not to do m-magic."

_"Jiggery niggery!"_ said Harry.

"ALL RIGHT!" howled Dudley.

Dudley cried while cleaning.

_See the douche Harry Potter now,_ he thought.

Harry took a bite out of the pork roast in the oven.

"Up yours bitch!" snapped Harry to Aunt Petunia.

Harry went upstairs to masturbate on his bed but there was already someone on it.


	2. Dobby's Gay

CHAPTER TWO

DOBBY'S GAY

The creature got an orgasm when he saw Harry.

"What the fuck are you?" said Harry.

"Dobby the house-elf," said the creature.

"Down on the fucking ground Dobby the dumbfuck!" said Harry. "Now bitch!"

Dobby sat down as an unequal.

"Dobby has heard of your bitch ass.…"

"I'm not even the top bitch at Hogwarts. Hermione —"

Hermione was a cunt.

"Harry Potter is a douche," siad Dobby. "Harry Potter boasts of fucking over —"

"Voldemort's hook ass," said Harry.

Dobby cringed.

"My friend, you are a bitch," said Harry. "I thought you were ever since I first saw your ugly ass face. My pussy ass friend Ron —"

Ron was a bitch ginger.

"Dobby will have to shut his dick in the oven door later. _Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts_."

"Fuck that shit," Harry said.

"If Harry Potter goes back to Hogwarts, he will be raped."

"Fuck me sideways," said Harry. "Voldemort again?"

Dobby shook his head.

"Dog lover!"

Dobby turned on Harry's wand sharpener, and proceeded to insert his dick with a wail.

Uncle Vernon came up.

Harry slammed Dobby's face through the wall.

"What — in — the — _fuck _— are — you — doing?" said Uncle Vernon. "You fucking ruined my gay joke you head dick.… Stop jerking off so loudly and shut the fuck up!"

He put his foot up Dobby's propped up ass and stomped away.

Harry pulled Dobby out.

"My friends don't even write to me," said Harry. "I've got to go back and fuck their shit up."

"Dobby stopped your letters —"

"_You piece of dickshit_."

Harry punched Dobby in the throat.

"Say you're gay!"

Harry stomped on Dobby's dick.

"Fuck you!" said Dobby.

Harry threw his limp body down the stairs into the kitchen.

"Say it —"

He levitated Aunt Petunia's pudding and dropped it on Dobby's head shattering the dish. Dobby vanished.

Uncle Vernon burst in.

"Just our resident homo — very retarded — meeting strangers gives him seizures, so we kept him away from public scrutiny._…_"

An owl delivered a letter.

Dear Mr. Potter,

Further spellwork and we will fuck you upside down.

Yours sincerely,

Mafalda Hopkirk

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE

_Ministry of Magic_

"You forgot to mention you weren't allowed to use magic outside school, you cocksucker," said Uncle Vernon. "Slipped your shit-for-sale mind.…"

He clocked Harry in his scar and threw him upstairs.

Uncle Vernon locked Harry up and fitted bars on his window.

Harry dreamed that he was in prison, with a card reading PRISON BITCH attached to his cell. He _was_ dick riding a freckle-fucked, red-fucked, long-fucked someone.


	3. The Butthole

CHAPTER THREE

THE BUTTHOLE 

Ron Weasley was in a bus parked _in midair_ outside Harry's window.

"Back the fuck up," said Fred.

Fred drove straight up in the air and reversed into the wall.

Uncle Vernon stirred.

"Get my shit in the cupboard under the stairs!" Harry said.

Fred and George obliged like the little slaves they were.

George lowered his shoulder and bashed through the locked door. They disappeared downstairs.

Harry threw his shit into the bus and then his trunk.

Uncle Vernon crashed in.

"HE'S FUCKING GETTING AWAY!" Uncle Vernon roared.

Harry lodged a canister of laughing gas in his uncle's mouth and shoved him down. With a string attached to the ring and Harry's back pocket, he scrambled into the back of the bus. Harry slammed the door shut on it, and the bus shot away.

Uncle Vernon passed out.

"Later you fags!" Harry yelled.

Harry flipped the Dursleys off.

Harry told the Weasleys about Dobby's warning.

"I reckon Draco Malfoy sent Dobby as a joke," said Fred.

"Hey, spoiler alert nigga!" said Harry.

"My dad had to work tonight," said Ron. "We'll get the bus back without him noticing."

"What the fuck does your dad do?"

"He works in the Misuse of Muggle Shit Office," said Ron. "This Muggle woman bought an old witch's bong and tried to smoke it with her friends. The bong blew up and one man was shredded with glass shrapnel. Dad had to clean that shit up —"

"We're there," said George. "Ottery Shit Cunthole."

They hit Ron's piece of pigshit house though it was held up by magic. A sign read, THE BUTTHOLE.

"This is fucking _woeful_," said Harry, happily thinking of Privet Drive.

Mrs. Weasley marched over.

"Look who the fuck turned up!" said Mrs. Weasley.

_"Did you fucking care how fucking worried I've fucking been?"_

"You could have fucking _died,_ you could have been fucking _shot_ —"

Mrs. Weasley would not shut the hell up.

They walked into the house for breakfast.

The clock on the wall had _Time to take a shit, Time to feed the children, _and _You're Gay_ written around the edge. Books like _Charm Your Own Cock, Enchantment in Beating, _and _One Minute Jerks_ — _It's Cumtastic! _were on the mantelpiece.

Mrs. Weasley would not stop bitching.

"De-shit the garden," snapped Mrs. Weasley.

They consulted _Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Shit_. He looked like a homo.

"_This_ is gnome shit," Ron said.

He threw it at Percy.

Mr. Weasley was home.

"Nine fucking drug raids," he mumbled.

"Find any shit?" said Fred.

"Just a few shrinking ecstasy," yawned Mr. Weasley.

"Why the fuck would you make ecstasy shrink?" said George.

"No Muggle would admit their ecstasy keep shrinking — they'll insist it's all in their head.… But the things ecstasy will make you fucking do, you wouldn't fucking believe —"

"LIKE ENCHANTING FUCKING BUSES?"

Mrs. Weasley had interjected.

"B-buses, the fuck?"

"A wizard buys a big ass bus to make it _fly_ in reality because he _imagined_ it while _hallucinating_ on E," said Mrs. Weasley.

"The law —"

"Arthur Weasley, you were on fucking X when you wrote that fucking loophole!" shouted Mrs. Weasley. _"Your sons flew that fucking bus to get Harry!"_

"Harry who?" said Mr. Weasley.

He jumped when he saw Harry.

"Holy shit, Harry Potter. Yeah boy!"

They left the kitchen for RONALD'S SHITTY ASS ROOM.

Ron had covered the wallpaper with posters of ginger pornography.

Harry, stepping over a fleshlight, said, "This is the shittiest ass house I've ever seen."

Ron went red.


	4. Fags and Dads

CHAPTER FOUR

FAGS AND DADS

Harry got his letter from school delivered by Errol the retarded owl.

SECOND-YEAR STUDENTS WILL REQUIRE:

_Boning a Banshee_ by Gilderoy Lockhart

_Gang Banging Ghouls_ by Gilderoy Lockhart

_Handjobs with Hags_ by Gilderoy Lockhart

_Tea Bagging Trolls_ by Gilderoy Lockhart

_Vaginal with Vampires_ by Gilderoy Lockhart

_Wangs in Werewolves_ by Gilderoy Lockhart

_Yanking the Yeti_ by Gilderoy Lockhart

"That's gay," Fred said.

Mrs. Weasley threw Floo powder into the flames and pushed Harry into the fire.

"W-wha-t the fuck?" he coughed.

It felt like he was a piece of shit being sucked down a toilet — now it felt like limp dicks were slapping his face —

He fell into a wizard's sex shop.

A glass case held a withered scrotum, a semen-stained pack of cards, and a glass penis.

Draco Malfoy stepped in and Harry shot inside a cabinet of dildos.

"Fondle nothing, Draco," said Mr. Malfoy.

"I want _that_," said Draco.

"The Hand of Glory!" said Mr. Borgin. "Insert your cock and it gives pleasure only to the holder!"

Draco examined a hangman's rope and read the card, _Caution: Do Not Masturbate. Cursed_ — _Has Asphyxiated Nineteen Muggle Owners to Date_.

Draco saw the cabinet of dildos. He smirked and reached for the handle —

"Fag," said Harry through the crack.

Draco ran away.

Harry emerged into the street.

A witch was holding a tray of human testicles. Hagrid was first in line.

"HARRY! What the fuck d'yeh think yer doin'?"

"Hagrid!" Harry croaked. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"_I_ was lookin' fer Gay Repellent," growled Hagrid. "They're ruinin' the school."

Hagrid steered him to Gringotts.

"I saw Malfoy and his father at the sex shop," said Harry to Mr. Weasley. "He was selling —"

"I'd love to get Lucius Malfoy for some gay shit.…"

The Weasleys were shit poor. They reached Harry's vault. He tossed handfuls of coins into the air.

"Make it rain!" said Harry.

A banner stretched across Flourish and Blotts:

GILDEROY LOCKHART

will be signing copies of his autobiography

MAGICAL MEN

today 12:30 PM to 4:30 PM

"Back the fuck up, dickhead," a photographer for the _Daily Prophet_ snarled.

"Step off bitch," said Ron.

Gilderoy Lockhart perked up.

"Harry _motherfucking_ Potter?"

Lockhart groped Harry.

"Wipe your face off your head, bitch," said Harry. "You ain't worth shit."

Harry regifted the works of Gayderoy Iheartcock to Ginny.

"Bet you loved that homo, didn't you, Potter?" said Draco Malfoy.

"_Faggot_ Harry Potter," said Malfoy. "Can't even go into a _bookshop_ without getting molested."

"Bet you're surprised to see Harry here fuckface," said Ron, who still had some Floo powder on his face.

"Not as surprised as I am to see you with fucking dried up jizz on your face, Weasley," retorted Malfoy. "I suppose you think cum facials are good for you skin."

"Well, well, well — if it isn't the homosexual Arthur Weasley."

Mr. Malfoy placed his hand on Mr. Weasley's shoulder, Spellotaping a sign that read _I'm a homo_.

"All those raids … the Ministry's obviously not paying you shit for overtime," said Mr. Malfoy.

He wiped his ass with Ginny's copy of _A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration_.

"Fucking disgrace to wizards," Mr. Malfoy said.

"Your name is fucking trash," said Mr. Weasley.

"Et tu," said Mr. Malfoy. "And I thought your family of faggots could not get any fucking gayer —"

They moshed. Mr. Weasley threw Ginny's cauldron into Mr. Malfoy's crotch. Mr. Malfoy overturned a bookshelf onto Mr. Weasley.

Draco clamped Harry's dick with an _Encyclopedia of Toadstools_. Mr. Malfoy thrust Ginny's shit-stained book at her.

"Here, bitch — take your fucking book — it's the best toilet paper your faggot of a father can give you —"


	5. The Assholic Tree

CHAPTER FIVE

THE ASSHOLIC TREE

"Get the fuck off my property," Mr. Weasley whispered to Harry.

They reached King's Cross.

"You two come right after us," said Mrs. Weasley.

"Leggo, we've only got a minute," Ron said.

Harry and Ron dropped back to share a joint.

PUFF.

"What in the fucking blazes?"

"Lost control of my mind," Harry gasped.

"We missed the train," Ron whispered.

Harry looked at the clock.

"Fuck," said Ron. "The train's left."

"Do you have any Muggle money?" said Ron.

Harry laughed. "So you can pocket it? Fuck that."

"Asswipe," Ron said.

"Let's ghost-ride the whip," said Harry.

"The bus! We can fly it to Hogwarts!" said Ron.

"But how will your Mum and Dad get home?" said Harry.

"Fuck them!" said Ron. "They can take the train home!"

Ron started the ignition and forgot to press the Invisibility Booster.

They followed the Hogwarts Express.

Hogwarts castle was right ahead.

Ron flew the bus like a gook.

"TREE!" Harry bellowed.

Ron panicked and slammed his foot on the accelerator instead of the brake.

"_Fuuuuuuck!"_ Ron yelled.

CRUNCH.

They annihilated the tree.

"Is this real life?" Harry said, dazed and confused.

"My dick," said Ron. "It snapped —"

"First my dad's gonna shit!" Ron yelled. "Then he's gonna kill us!"

"Can you _believe_ our shit for luck?" said Ron. "Giant tree trunk piece of ass."

They got up to the school.

Harry saw an empty chair at the staff table.

"Where the fuck's Snape?" Harry muttered.

"Maybe he's gay!" said Ron.

"Maybe," said Harry, "he _left_ because of the Gay Repellent!"

"Or he might have been _killed_!" sand Ron. "Everyone wants to —"

"Or maybe," said Severus Snape, "he's waiting to tear you new assholes."

Harry and Ron followed Snape to his office.

"The train isn't fucking good enough for the faggot Harry Potter and his faithful nutsack Weasley," he said.

Snape smacked Harry and Ron across their faces with the _Evening Prophet_.

Snape showed them the headline: _FLYING DOUBLE DECKER CONFUSES CUNTS_.

"Wanted to damage school property?" Snape said.

"That assholic tree —" Ron blurted.

"_You speak when spoken to!"_ snapped Snape. "I would kill you if I could. Get ready to get anally raped."

Snape fetched Professor McGonagall. She raised her wand, and Harry and Ron jumped up; flames erupted under their asses.

"Stand the fuck up," she said.

Professor Dumbledore was at the door.

There was silence. Then Dumbledore said, "High fives you crazy bastards!"

Snape looked like Santa Claus had given him a lump of shit for Christmas.


	6. Down Syndrome

CHAPTER SIX

DOWN SYNDROME

The next day, Harry smoked a bowl and grinned.

He had only started munching on his porridge when mail streamed in. A big package bounced off Neville's head sending him face first into Hermione's jug of milk.

Errol dropped off a red envelope. Harry finished munching.

"God damn that was the best porridge I've ever had in my life. That wasn't no regular porridge, was it? No, that had to be honey nut —" said Harry.

Harry munched on another spoonful.

"It had to be honey nut. It taste like honey nut. It taste like porridge, but — nuts dipped in honey."

Ron and Neville were both looking at Harry as though they expected him to explode.

"Shit — a Howler," said Ron.

"I ignored one once and" — Neville gulped — "it tore up my asshole."

"The only red envelope you receive is a bloodied up asshole," Harry said.

Ron opened it.

_**"— STEALING THE BUS, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY'D BUTT RAPED YOU. YOU WAIT TILL I BUTT RAPE YOU —"**_

_**"— FUCKING DISGUSTED — YOUR FATHER'S GETTING ASS FUCKED AT WORK, IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FUCK UP AND IF YOU PUT YOUR DICK OUT OF LINE AGAIN WE'LL STICK YOUR DICK UP YOUR ASS."**_

"That ain't hurt," snapped Ron.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione made for Herbology.

Harry spotted the Whomping Willow, its trunk now in a cast.

Gilderoy Lockhart wanted a word with Harry.

Lockhart talked about some retarded shit.

Professor Sprout said, "Who the fuck can tell me the properties of the Mandrake?"

"Mandragora is a powerful laxative," said Hermione. "It is used to return people who are constipated to their original state."

"The fart of the Mandrake is fatal to anyone who smells it," she said.

Professor Sprout pulled out an ugly motherfucker.

She stuffed the little shit.

"Their farts won't kill yet," she said. "Mandrake seedlings _will_ make you projectile vomit for several hours."

"Careful of the Venemous Tentacula, it's creeping."

She slapped the feelers that had been inching over her shoulder.

They stuffed the shit out of the Mandrakes.

Everyone hurried the fuck back to the castle.

Ron whacked his dick furiously in the bathroom.

"Stupid — useless — thing —"

"Write home for surgery," Harry suggested.

"And get another Howler," said Ron. _"'It's your own fault your dick got snapped —'"_

"What's this afternoon?" said Harry.

"Defense Against the Dark Arts," said Ron.

"Outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little rainbows?" demanded Hermione.

"Smile for the camera, asshole," Colin Creevey said.

"Fuck off," Harry said.

"_Naked photos?_ You're giving out _naked photos_, Potter?"

"Line the fuck up!" Malfoy roared. "Harry Potter's giving out naked photos!"

"You're next in line, dumbass," said Harry.

"You're just jealous," piped up Colin.

"_Jealous?"_ said Malfoy. "I don't have a small dick."

"Eat shit, Malfoy," said Ron.

"Careful, Weasley," sneered Malfoy. "You don't want to start shit or you'll be on the train to Fagsville."

"'_If you put your dick out of line again' —"_

"Choo choo! Last train to Faggotsville! Leaving in five minutes! Leaving in five minutes for that bloody tunnel hole!"

"Weasley would like a naked photo, Potter," smirked Malfoy. "It'd help him get off."

"Naked photos?" Gilderoy Lockhart perked up.

They reached Lockhart's classroom.

"You could've fried cum on your face," said Ron. "Creevey and Ginny'll be starting a Harry Potter fuck club."

"Shut the hell up," snapped Harry.

Lockhart handed out a quiz.

Harry read his paper:

_1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite gay color?_

_ 2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's gayest ambition?_

_ 3. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's gayest achievement?_

_54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal gay gift be?_

"Motherfuckers — my favorite color is Tickle Me Gay. I say so in _Yanking the Yeti_. I state in _Wangs in Werewolves_ that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all hetero and homosexual peoples."

"… but Miss Hermione Granger knew my gayest ambition is to rid the world of heterosexuals and market my own range of lubricants."

He lifted a cage onto his desk.

"I must ask you not to shit yourself," said Lockhart. "The smell might provoke them."

Lockhart opened the cage.

"Get fucked," he said. _"Cornish pixies."_

The pixies fucked the classroom to the ground. Two of them bit Neville's dick.

"Pussies," Lockhart shouted.

He bellowed, "_Peskipiksi Pesternomi!_"

Shit did not happen. Lockhart was sodomized by his own wand, shitting himself. Neville contemplated suicide swinging from the chandelier in the ceiling.


	7. Shitbloods and More Shit

CHAPTER SEVEN

SHITBLOODS AND MORE SHIT

Harry was awaken by Oliver Wood farting in his face.

"What the fuck is your problem, asshole?" said Harry.

"Quidditch, bitch," said Wood.

"Piss balls," Harry croaked.

"Don't make me shit on you," said Wood.

Colin smashed into Harry reaching the portrait hole.

"You stepped on my shoe, bitch," said Harry.

"Where are you going? Wait for me!"

Colin climbed through the portrait hole.

Harry scrambled after him and threw an uppercut to the back of Colin's head.

Colin lost consciousness and collapsed.

Harry reached the changing rooms.

Wood launched into a boring ass speech.

Harry snorted a line of coke off his broom handle to keep awake.

"Oy, Harry," said George. "Pass the fucking coke."

"Listen up, damn it," Wood said. "We should have fucking won last year. But someone didn't sort out his priorities."

Wood led his team out of the locker rooms.

The Slytherins walked onto the field.

"Motherfucker!" Wood hissed. "You can fuck off now!"

"I've got a note from Professor Snape," said Marcus Flint.

Ron and Hermione crossed the grass.

"What the fuck are _you_ doing here?" said Ron.

"I'm the new Seeker, bitch," said Malfoy. "

Ron gaped his sugar frosted mouth from breakfast.

"I didn't know Granger was a she-male," said Malfoy.

"At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to _dick_ ride to get in," said Hermione.

"Eat deez nutz, you filthy little Shitblood," he spat.

Ron pulled out his wand backward and yelled, "You'll eat shit for that one, Malfoy."

He fucked himself over.

"Ron! You dyslexic retard!" squealed Hermione.

Ron belched out shit.

The Slytherins were repulsed. Nobody wanted to touch that shit.

Harry and Hermione got Ron to Hagrid's.

"What the fuck did Lockhart want?" Harry asked.

"I don' fuckin' know. Goin' on about some retarded shit," growled Hagrid. "An' bangin' some banshee."

"What the fuck happened ter him?" said Hagrid.

"Malfoy called Hermione —"

"'Shitblood' —" said Ron.

"Hermione fuckin' Granger, my shitblood!" said Hagrid. "Can I say that? Yes, I can."

They went to see what Hagrid had been growing.

Behind Hagrid's shack were a dozen of the largest Cannabis plants Harry had ever seen. Each was as tall as he was.

"What've you been fertilizing them with?" said Harry.

"Shit here!" Hagrid roared, pulling Ron toward his plants.

They walked back up to the castle.

Professor McGonagall's voice rang out. "Detentions this evening."

"_Weasley_ will be polishing phallic shaped silver with his tongue," said Professor McGonagall. "And no lube, Weasley."

"And Potter will be helping Professor Lockhart answer his porn mail," said Professor McGonagall.

Harry skipped off to Lockhart's office.

A large pile of scantily clad Lockhart photographs lay on his desk.

Harry gulped. He addressed the envelopes, reluctantly.

Harry caught a phrase like, "Fag's a fondling friend," or "Celebridick is as celebridick does."

Then he heard a voice.

"_Cum … cum on you.… Let me rape you.… Let me tear your ass up.… Let me cum on you.…"_

_ "Holy shit!"_ Harry said.

"That's right!" said Lockhart. "Six solid hours on top of him!"


	8. The Retarded Party

CHAPTER EIGHT

THE RETARDED PARTY

Harry came across Nearly Retarded Nick.

"You would think," he erupted, "that getting hit forty-five times in the head would qualify you to join the Retarded Run?"

"Hell — yes," said Harry.

Nearly Retarded Nick read:

"'_We can only accept retards whose minds have parted company with their brains. It would be impossible for you to participate in retarded activities such as Yakback Retarded-Yelling and Retard Polo.'"_

"Half a brain cell holding my mind intact, Harry! Most people would think that's retarded, but fuck no, it's not fucking good enough for fucking Sir Properly Dumb-Podmore."

Harry looked down and found Mrs. Norris humping his ankle.

"Shit!" Argus Filch shouted. "Shit and more shit everywhere! Fuck it! Potter!"

Harry followed Filch to his office.

"_Faggot_ … Harry Potter. _Faggotry_ …"

"Eat shit!" said Harry.

"_Faggotry_ … shitting on the castle … _sexual sentence_ …"

BANG!

"PEEVES!" Filch roared. "I'll fuck you in the ass this time!"

Filch ran from the office.

Harry picked up an envelope on Filch's desk and read:

KWIKSPLOOGE

_A Cum Course in Beginners' Boner_

_Feel fucked in the world of modern magic? Making excuses not to perform sexually? Taunted for woeful wangwork?_

Filch had erectile dysfunction? Harry was reading "Lesson One: Holding Your Wang (Some Useful Grips)" when Filch came back.

"Are you reading —?" he sputtered.

"Yes," Harry said.

"That's not my shit — go — and don't say a motherfucking word —"

Harry sped back upstairs.

Nearly Retarded Nick came out of a closet.

"Since you didn't get detention, attend my retarded party," said Nearly Retarded Nick.

"A retarded party?" said Hermione.

"Why would anyone want to celebrate being retarded?" said Ron. "Sounds retarded to me.…"

Harry blew off the retarded party for a quick tug.

At seven o'clock, Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked straight to the Great Hall.

Harry heard the voice.

_"… rape … tear … cum …"_

"It's that fucking voice again — fucking stuff it —"

_"… so horny … for ass …"_

"Listen for fuck's sake!" said Harry.

_ "… cum … time to cum …"_

Harry ran to the second floor.

_"… I smell semen.… I SMELL SEMEN!"_

"It's going to rape someone!" he shouted.

"Harry, _what_ was that?" said Ron. "I couldn't hear shit.…"

Hermione gasped.

_"Fuck!"_

Words were shining on the wall ahead.

THE CHAMBER OF SEMEN HAS BEEN OPENED.

ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, PREPARE. TO GET FUCKED.

Mrs. Norris was hanging by her tail. She was dipped in semen.

The feast ended.

"Enemies of the Heir, prepare! You'll get fucked next, Shitbloods!"

Draco Malfoy jizzed in his pants.


	9. The Semen on the Wall

CHAPTER NINE

THE SEMEN ON THE WALL

"Get the fuck out of my way."

Argus Filch saw Mrs. Norris.

"Fuck me senseless!" he shrieked. "What the fuck happened to Mrs. Norris?"

_"Potter!"_ he screeched. "_You motherfucker!_ You've raped my cat! You've fucked her! I'll cut your fucking balls off! I'll —"

"This way," said Dumbledore.

"My office is farthest, Headmaster —"

"Talk to the hand, Gilderoy," said Dumbledore.

They entered Lockhart's office. Harry saw Lockharts in the pictures jerking off.

"She's not raped," said Dumbledore.

"Not raped?" choked Filch. "But why she's all — all stiff and frozen in semen?"

"She has been Penetrated," said Dumbledore.

"Potter did it, he fucking did it!" Filch spat. "You saw what he ejaculated on the wall! He knows I'm a Squeer!"

"I never _touched_ Mrs. Norris inappropriately," Harry said. "And I don't even know what the fuck a Squeer _is_."

"Bullshit!" snarled Filch. "He saw my fucking Kwiksplooge letter!"

"Potter may have just been in the right place at the right time," Snape said. "But why the fuck wasn't he at the feast?"

"B — b —" Harry said.

"Bull fucking shit," said Snape. "He should be sodomized with the Snitch by the Gryffindor Quidditch team until he confesses."

"The cat wasn't impaled up the ass by a broomstick," said Professor McGonagall.

"My cat has been fucking Penetrated!" Filch shrieked. "I want to see Potter _tortured_!"

"I'll make the Mandrake Laxative Draught —" Lockhart butted in.

"You can make like a tree," said Snape. "And fuck off."

Harry skipped History of Magic and fell asleep wanking.

"Fuck Salazar Slytherin," Ron said. "I wouldn't be in his house if his heir sucked my cock. If the Sorting Hat had tried to put me in Slytherin, I'd've jerked off in it.…"

They ended up at the corridor.

They looked around.

"Shit stains!" Harry said.

"Spiders," said Hermione.

"Fuck — spiders," said Ron.

"You pussy bitch," said Hermione.

Harry said, "Where did all that piss water on the floor come from?"

"Bitches' toilet," said Ron.

"Let's go in," said Hermione.

She ignored the PIECE OF SHIT sign on the door.

It was the most shittiest bathroom.

"Did you see shit?" said Harry.

"I wasn't paying attention to shit," said Myrtle. "Peeves pelted me with shit —"

"Oh, shit," said Ron.

Myrtle dived into the U-bend.

Harry and Ron took shits into her toilet.

"RON!" Percy gasped. "That's a _girls'_ bathroom."

"I fucking know that," shrugged Ron. "What were _you_ —?"

"None — of — your — fucking — business —" Percy said.

"You _know_ what this looks like while everyone's at dinner —?" said Ron. "Laying a finger on Myrtle."

"Five points from Gryffindor!" Percy said. "No more _perverted shit_, or I'll tell Ginny."

"We need to interrogate Malfoy," said Hermione.

Harry and Ron laughed.

"All we'd need would be some Polyjuice Potion and waterboarding," said Hermione.


	10. The Rogue Dick

CHAPTER TEN

THE ROGUE DICK

"Nice loud moan, Harry — I leapt — _naked_ onto it — I put my dick to its throat — I flexed my cock and thrust — it let out a howl — higher, Harry — and it turned back into a man."

"Homework — draw a picture of my reenactment! Splotched copies of _Magical Men_ to the artist of the most graphic one!"

"I wanted to — to get this book," Hermione stammered. "It would help me understand fast-acting semen in _Gang Banging Ghouls_."

Lockhart pulled out a peacock quill. "I usually save it for myself," he said.

They bent over _Most Potente Potions_. There was a man who had his dick turned inside out and a wizard sprouting dicks out of his head.

"We add a bit of whoever we want to change into —" said Hermione.

"No semen —" said Ron.

"You two are going to pussy out," she said.

Harry looked around for the Snitch.

"Eat it, you pussy punk bitch!" yelled Malfoy.

A Bludger shot toward his ass; Harry felt it graze his butt cheek.

The Bludger was concentrating on Harry.

Lee Jordan said, "Sleezy lead —"

Gryffindor was a steaming pile of shit, and the Bludger was doing all it could to pelt up Harry's ass.

"The only way I'm going to catch the fucking Snitch is if it flies up my asshole," said Harry.

"Practicing for the Gay Parade, Potter?" yelled Malfoy. Harry saw it.

WHAM.

The Bludger smashed into his crotch, and Harry felt his dick break. The Bludger ricocheted into Malfoy's nutsack.

Harry felt his asshole clench on the Snitch. He hit the ground.

"Oh, hell, naw," he moaned.

Lockhart pointed his wand at Harry's dick.

A warm sensation of blood spread to his dick. It felt like he got a boner.

"Oh," said Lockhart. "Fuck. The point is, your dick is no longer bent."

Lockhart hadn't straightened Harry's dick. He had grown a bone.

"I can grow bones — but fucking removing them —" Madam Pomfrey raged.

"If Harry had wanted a raging boner he would have fucking popped some Viagra," Ron called.

"It is big," said Hermione.

"But it does fucking hurt," said Harry.

Harry had a double shot of _Skele-piss_.

Madam Pomfrey shouted, "Fall back faggots!"

Someone was prodding Harry's forehead with its dick.

"Fuck off!" Harry said, _"faggot!"_

"Why didn't Harry go home when Dobby's Bludger fucked shit up?"

"You nearly got me fucking killed," he said. "You'd better haul ass before the bone in my cock is removed, or I might butt rape you."

"Dobby is used to sex threats. Dobby takes it up the ass fives times a day."

Harry broke the bottle of _Skele-piss_ and lunged at Dobby.

Harry heard footsteps.

Dobby flipped Harry off and cracked into thin air.

"There was lubricant next to him," said Professor McGonagall. "He was trying to come up here to fuck Potter."

Colin Creevey was Penetrated.

Dumbledore pulled the camera out of Colin's hands.

Jizz jetted out of the camera. Harry caught the smell of hot cum.


	11. The Ass Whoop Club

CHAPTER ELEVEN

THE ASS WHOOP CLUB

Harry passed the library.

"Have you seen Ron or Hermione?" said Harry.

"I hope Ron's not getting a sex change.…" said Percy.

Harry headed for Bitching Myrtle's bathroom.

"It's me, you dumb bitch," he said. Hermione had closed the door on his nads.

_"Fuck!"_ she said. "How's your dick?"

"Limp," said Harry.

Harry told them about Dobby.

"If he doesn't stop being a retard, Dobby's going to punish your asshole," said Ron.

The news that Colin Creevey was gay spread around the school.

The other Gryffindor boys pointed out Neville Longbottom was a Squeer, and more likely to be attacked.

Draco Malfoy kept flicking testicles at Ron and Harry in Potions.

Harry pulled out a homemade Parvati Patil pipe bomb, and lit it with his wand. The fuse ignited. Harry aimed and threw it into Goyle's cauldron.

Goyle's Shrinking Solution exploded. Malfoy got potion on his crotch and his dick began to shrink.

"Shut up! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Snape roared. "Come here for an Inflating Draft — when I find out who the fuck did this —"

Snape held up the blasted bomb.

"If I ever find out the Arab terrorist who made this," Snape whispered. "I shall _make sure_ that fucker is sent to Asskaban to be entered repeatedly by another man."

The school was packed in the Great Hall.

Gilderoy Lockhart called, "Gather round, gather the fuck around for the Dueling Club!"

"You'll still have your Potions master after I assault him with my wand!" said Lockhart.

Snape cried: _"Expelliarmus!"_ Lockhart was twisted like a rag doll: He flew backward off his feet, crashed into the wall, and slumped down.

Harry and Ron cheered. "Do you think his dick's all right?" squealed Hermione.

"You care about his cock?" said Harry and Ron.

Snape did a heel click.

They matched up partners.

"Time to split up the gay gang," he sneered.

Hermione stepped toward Harry.

"I don't think Potter's hetero," said Snape. "Mr. Malfoy, get your ass over here. Fuck the faggot Potter's ass up."

Malfoy's spell hit Harry in the balls like a club. His dick still seemed to be working, and Harry shouted, _"Dickusempra!"_

Harry had tickled Malfoy's dick. Malfoy directed his want at Harry's crotch and choked, _"Tarantallegra!"_ and Harry's dick began to spin out of control.

"Pussy?" muttered Malfoy.

"You wish you could get pussy," said Harry.

Malfoy bellowed, _"Serpensortia!"_

A snake exploded out of his wand.

The snake raised itself to strike Justin Finch-Fletchley's dick.

Harry shouted, "Leave Justin alone!"

"What do you think you're fucking playing at, my virginity?" he shouted.

Ron and Hermione hurried Harry out of the hall.

"You can talk to snakes?" said Hermione.

"You can talk to my trouser snake," said Harry.

Harry jumped out from behind the bookshelves. The Hufflepuffs shit themselves.

"I'm looking to Penetrate Justin Finch-Fletchley," said Harry.

The Hufflepuffs' worst fears were Penetrated.

"I didn't do shit," Harry said. "It didn't even _lick_ his dick!"

"My blood's pure —" said Ernie.

"I don't give a fuck!" said Harry. "Why would I want to attack fags?"

"I ain't queer," said Ernie.

"Nigga, you gay," said Harry.

Harry walked into Hagrid.

"What're you doing?" said Harry.

"Second chicken choked," he explained.

Harry tripped over Justin Finch-Fletchley.

Nearly Retarded Nick was burnt to shit.

Peeves spotted Justin and Nearly Retarded Nick. He screamed, "RAPE! RAPE! ANOTHER RAPE! NO HETERO OR HOMO IS SAFE! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES! FUUUUCK!"

_"Well, obviously we have a rapist in Hogwarts!"_ Ernie yelled.

"That's right, Macmillan!" said Harry. "I Penetrated Justin."

Peeves sang:

_"He's climbin' in your windows,_

_ He's snatchin' your people up,_

_ Tryin' to rape 'em so y'all need to_

_ Hide the kids, hide the girls,_

_ Hide the kids, hide the girls,_

_ Hide the kids, hide the girls,_

_ And hide the boys_

_ Cuz they're rapin' everybody out here,_

_ You don't have to come and confess,_

_ We're lookin' for you,_

_ We gon' find you,_

_ We gon' find you,_

_ So you can run and tell that,_

_ Run and tell that,_

_ Run and tell that, homeboy_

_ Home, home, homeboy —"_

"Whatcha gonna do?" barked Harry. "Whatcha gonna do?"

"Fuck this, you're on your own, Potter," Professor McGonagall said.

"You wanna do something?" said Harry. "Bitch ass nigga!"

"Penis!" she said.

This was where Dumbledore lived.


	12. The Potion that Smelled Like Ass

CHAPTER TWELVE 

THE POTION THAT SMELLED LIKE ASS

Professor McGonagall ditched Harry.

Harry put the Sorting Hat on his head. A small voice said, "Bee up your butthole?"

"Hell, no," Harry muttered.

"You've been wondering whether you're gay," said the hat.

"You're gay," he said.

Standing behind him was a terminal-looking bird. Harry lit a joint for it.

When Dumbledore's pet bird inhaled, the bird caught fire.

"Fuck," Harry gasped.

"You killed my bird, you motherfucker," Dumbledore said, holding a dagger to Harry's throat. "Just kidding. You should've fucking seen the look on your face."

Hagrid blundered in.

"I was talkin' ter him about chokin' the chicken," said Hagrid.

Harry slipped out.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione finalized their plans at Christmas dinner.

"I've spiked these two chocolate cakes with roofies," said Hermione. "You know how morbidly obese Crabbe and Goyle are."

"Who are you changing into?" said Harry.

"Marcus Flint left blood on my robes when he was pudding wrestling me at the Dueling Club," said Hermione.

Harry and Ron waited for Tweedledumbass and Tweedledeepthroat.

"How fucking retarded are they?" Ron whispered as Crabbe and Goyle stuffed the cakes. They keeled over.

They were stowed in a closet. Harry sliced Goyle's cheek with a surgical scalpel underneath the right eye and collected a blood sample, which he placed between two glass slides and Ron collected Crabbe's blood. They sprinted to Piss and Moan Myrtle's bathroom.

Hermione poured Marcus Flint's blood into the first glass.

"Essence of cunt," said Ron. "Bet it tastes like cunt."

Harry dropped Goyle's blood into the middle glass and Ron put Crabbe's into the last one. Goyle's turned to diarrhea, Crabbe's shit.

Harry drank. It tasted like ass.

Goyle had a chode.

"I — I think I need to take a fucking dump," said Hermione.

She projectile vomited through Moan and Piss Myrtle.

"Swing your arms like a retard," Harry muttered to Ron.

"Huh?"

"Crabbe bends his wrists stiff.…"

"Like this?"

"Yeah, that's more retarded.…"

Harry and Ron hurried to the dungeons.

"There you two homos are," he drawled. "Have you two been fucking all this time?"

"What's the fucking password again?" he said to Harry.

"Oh, yeah — _niggerfaggot_!" said Malfoy.

Malfoy thrust a _Daily Prophet_ clipping at Ron.

"Arthur Weasley loves Muggle shits so much he should snap his dick," said Malfoy.

"What's up your ass, Crabbe?" snapped Malfoy.

"Hemorrhoids," said Ron.

"Go to the hospital wing and while you're there, break your foot off in Creevey's ass," said Malfoy.

"'Potter, can I suck your pecker, Potter? Can I tongue your asshole? Can I slurp your semen, please, Potter?"

"What the fuck's _wrong_ with you two fags?"

Harry and Ron forced chocolate cake filled with Sleeping Draught down Malfoy's throat. He was rendered unconscious.

Malfoy awoke. He was naked and secured to a table with plastic wrap.

"Who the fuck's Slytherin's heir?" Harry and Ron said.

"I fucking _wish_ it _was_ me," said Malfoy.

Harry said, "You must fucking know.…"

"You didn't fucking rape me, Goyle, did you?" snapped Malfoy. "And Father won't tell me _shit_."

Ron punched Malfoy and Harry said, "Who the fuck opened the Chamber last time?"

"Expelled," said Malfoy. "Probably in fucking Asskaban."

"Asskaban?" said Harry.

"_The fucking wizard prison,_ stupid shit," said Malfoy. "If you were any fucking dumber, you'd be mentally retarded."

Harry sliced Malfoy's cheek with a surgical scalpel underneath the victim's right eye. Malfoy shifted restlessly on the table.

"Got some Dark Arts shit at your manor?" said Ron.

Harry forced water down Malfoy's lungs.

"Secret chamber under the fucking drawing-room floor —"

Harry's dick was lengthening. Shit was up.

"Laxative for my asshole," Ron grunted, and they sprinted toward Motherfucking Myrtle's bathroom. They dashed into the entrance hall, taking shits outside the closet door where they'd violated Crabbe and Goyle, who pounded the closet.

"You will shit bricks," Myrtle said. "It's _nasty_ as fuck —"

"What the hell?" said Ron. "Have you still got Marcus' dick or some shit?"

Hermione let her robes fall and Ron shit his pants.

She had a pussy and there was a cock.

"It was p-period blood!" she howled. "M-Marcus Flint m-must have a vagina! And the p-potion isn't supposed to be used for hermaphrodites!"

"Ruh-roh," said Ron.

"You'll be discriminated to _shit_," said Myrtle.

"Madam Pomfrey never does physicals.…" said Harry.

"Wait till everyone finds out you've got a _dick_!"


	13. A Very Gay Diary

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

A VERY GAY DIARY

Harry and Ron went to visit Hermione.

"What the fuck's that?" asked Harry, pointing to something gold under Hermione's pillow.

"Nothing," said Hermione. Ron pulled it out, let it go disgusted, and read the attached note:

_"To Miss Granger, wishing you a pleasurable recovery, from Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Cock, Third Cunt, Honorary Mutie of the Dark Fag Defense League, and five-time winner of_ Bitch Weekly's _Most-Retarded-Smile Award."_

Ron was jealous.

"You sleep with his cock mold under your _pillow_?"

Harry and Ron entered McFaggot's bathroom.

"_Now_ what the fuck's the matter with you?" said Harry.

"I was thinking about sex, and it fell right through me," said Myrtle.

Myrtle pointed to a book under the sink. Harry picked it up.

"There was a book that bit your dick off. And everyone who read _Haiku of a Homo_ spoke with a lisp for the rest of their lives. And some old bitch had a book that you could _never stop reading_! Try masturbating one-handed! And —" said Ron.

"You had me at masturbating," said Harry.

"Hey bitch!" said Ron. "Suck on this!"

Ron threw it through Myrtle's nose.

Harry told Hermione about T.M. Riddle's diary.

"Riddle got an award for sexual services to Hogwarts," said Ron.

"Maybe he gave the teachers blowjobs or got tentacle raped by the giant squid," said Harry.

Peeves kept singing the Hogwarts Intruder Song.

Gilderoy Lockhart was being retarded.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" Lockhart shouted. "Now the party don't start till I walk in!"

"My arrow-carrying cupids!" beamed Lockhart. "They will be shooting you in the ass today with your valentines! But the party don't stop, no. Ask Professor Snape to whip up a Gay Potion! Professor Flitwick knows about Faggot Enchantments!"

"Oy, Scarface! 'Arry Pothead!" shouted a dwarf.

The dwarf split Harry's bag with an arrow.

Harry scrambled to pick up the shit storm.

Malfoy snatched up Riddle's diary.

"Wonder who's Potter's boyfriend?" said Malfoy.

Harry shouted, _"Expelliarmus bitch!"_ and the diary shot out of his hand.

Malfoy yelled after Ginny, "I don't think Potter wants to fuck you!"

Harry went to sleep and dreamed.

Riddle headed to the dungeons, with Harry.

"C'mon … gotta get yeh in here… C'mon now … in the pants …"

"Evening, motherfucker," said Riddle, drawing out his wand.

"Snap out of it Tom! Cocaine's a hell of a drug."

"It's fucking over," he said. "I'm going to have to castrate you. They're going to close Hogwarts if the flashing doesn't stop."

"Yeh motherfucker —"

"I don't think you meant to scar anyone. But Osama bin Laden's beard doesn't make good pubic hair. I suppose you let it out for air and —"

"I never fuckin' killed no one!" said the boy.

"Nigga, please," said Riddle. "The dead slut's parents are coming. The least Hogwarts can do is make sure that the thing that killed their whore of a daughter is neutered.…"

"It fuckin' wasn't me!" roared the boy.

"Expose yourself," said Riddle.

Riddle leaped on him. The boy threw him down, yelling, "DON'T RAPE ME BROOOOOOO!"

Harry sat up.

"Fucking Hagrid."


	14. Cornelius Fuck

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

CORNELIUS FUCK

"Riddle _does_ sound like a nosy fuck — who asked this meddling fag to snitch on Hagrid?" Ron asked.

"Riddle was going back to some gay all-you-can-bang brothel if they closed Hogwarts," said Harry.

The Mandrakes threw a gang bang in the greenhouse.

"When they try to fuck each other, they're fully mature," Professor Sprout told Harry. "Then we'll fuck them to revive those rape victims."

Harry's dormitory was trashed to shit.

"Someone's been having rough sex," said Ron.

"But — only a Gryffindor —"

"Gross," said Ron.

Professor McGonagall came krumping.

"Potter, come with me.…" Professor McGonagall called. "You too, Weasley."

Harry and Ron followed Professor McGonagall to the infirmary.

On the bed was a bitch and next to her was Hermione —

_"Fuck!"_ Ron groaned.

"They were found near your bed with this on the floor next to them.…" said Professor McGonagall.

She was holding an aluminum dildo.

They snuck into Hagrid's hut under the Invisibility Cloak without Hagrid knowing.

Dumbledore entered followed by a faggot.

"Cornelius faggy Fudge, the Minister of Magic!" Ron breathed.

"For the crime of public indecency," said Fudge. "Hagrid is sentenced to imprisonment."

"No!" said Hagrid. "Don' send me ter Asskaban! Please! Please don' send me ter Asskaban! I don' want ter be anally raped!"

"Well, it's just the weekend," said Fudge.

"It only takes one night to get anally raped!" croaked Hagrid.

Mr. Lucius Malfoy strolled into Hagrid's house.

"You call this piece of shit a house?" said Lucius Malfoy.

"Yeh know what Malfoy?" said Hagrid. "Fuck yeh an' everybody who live in yer house."

"_Up_ yours, Dumbledore," said Mr. Malfoy, "but the governors have voted for you to go suck yourself —"

"How many cocks did yeh have ter suck before they agreed?" Hagrid roared.

"I would advise you not to dicksuck Asskaban guards," said Mr. Malfoy. "You won't like it at all."

Hagrid held up an imaginary joint to his mouth, inhaled deeply, and said, "If anyone wanted ter smoke some _shit_, all they'd have ter do would be ter follow the _spiders_. That'd make 'em high as a kite!"

Fudge stared at him.


	15. Cannabis

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

CANNABIS

"I thought Father would get rid of Dumbassdore," said Malfoy. "He thinks Dumbassdore's a head dick."

"Sir, why don't _you_ apply for headmaster?" said Malfoy.

"Pull your head out of my ass, Malfoy," said Snape.

"You'd have my vote if you wanted to kiss ass — _I'll_ tell your father you're the best ass kisser here —" said Snape.

Snape smirked as he spotted Seamus Finnigan pretending to ejaculate into his cauldron.

Lockhart was acting very gay.

"My delicious young boy, Cornelius Fudgepacker wouldn't have taken Hagrid if he hadn't been sure that he was guilty of indecent exposure," said Lockhart.

"Oh, put a cock in it," said Ron.

"I fuck myself I know more about Hagrid's _touch_ than you do, Mr. Weasley," said Lockhart.

Harry scrawled a note to Ron: _Let's do it tonight. No homo._

Harry murmured, "_Lumos_!"

"Good looking, good looking," said Ron. "Mine'd probably blow a load or some shit..."

They entered the forest.

Harry abruptly stopped on purpose for fun so Ron would run into him, but something moist touched Harry's hand and he socked it, crushing Ron's balls to shit. Ron had peed his pants.

"Trying to hump me, you faggot?" Harry said to Ron.

Ron didn't speak or move.

Harry turned around. There was a loud loading noise.

Spiders had their AK-47s and M16s out, aiming at them.

They marched into a hollow that had been cleared of trees for a cannabis farm.

"Trespassers," clicked a spider.

"I'm gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead!" said Aragog.

"Alright Aragog, I'm sorry," Harry called to Aragog. "I'm goin'!"

"One, two, ten!"

Mr. Weasley's bus thundered down the middle of the web. The bus exploded.

"Keep the change, ya filthy animals!" Harry yelled.


	16. The Chamber of Semen

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

THE CHAMBER OF SEMEN

"Dumbledore's gay!" several people yelled at breakfast.

Ginny Weasley came over.

"Speak, bitch," said Ron.

Percy Weasley appeared.

"Move, bitch."

Ginny beat it.

"Piss balls!" said Ron. "She was just about to tell us something, you fucking imbecile!"

"Oh — Ginny walked in on me —"

"Were you doing something homo?" said Ron. "We won't judge."

"Pass me those fucking sausages, I'm starving."

Harry saw a piece of paper scrunched inside Hermione's fist.

"Wonder if she can give me a hand job?" said Ron.

"Try," Harry whispered.

It was sick. Hermione's hand was clamped so tightly that Ron was sure he was going to bust a nut. Harry watched him tug and twist.

_The deadly Basilisk is the King of Serpents, bitch. The snake is born from a chicken's egg, hatched beneath a toad, shitted upon by a spider, choked by a rooster, bitch._

Lockhart banged into the staffroom.

"Not sorry — smoked a bowl — fuck I miss?"

"Just the homo," Snape said. "The very homo. Ginny Weasley has been taken into the Chamber of Semen itself."

"That's right, Gayderoy," chipped in Professor Sprout. "Weren't you saying just last night that you're a fucking piece of shit?"

"Yes, didn't you tell me you were gay for cock?" piped up Professor Flitwick.

"I certainly remember you saying you were fucking queer," said Snape. "Didn't you say that you should be put in a bubble bath and I'd put some water wings on ya and I'd spank your little bottom?"

Lockhart stared at his verbally abusive colleagues.

"A fag at last," said Professor McGonagall.

He left the room.

Lockhart was hauling ass.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going, bitch?" said Harry.

"Urgent booty call," said Lockhart.

"What about my sister, bitch?" said Ron.

"Fuck your sister," said Lockhart.

"Not with all the gay shit going on here!" said Harry.

"When I took this fucking job —" Lockhart muttered. "The fucking job description — expected to grope students —"

"You're a _pedophile_?" said Harry.

"My advances can be misleading," said Lockhart.

"After all that dumb shit you did in your books!" Harry shouted.

"Common sense, you delectable bitch," said Lockhart. "I wouldn't have got my cock sucked if people didn't think _I'd_ done all that shit. No one wants to fucking read about some fugly warlock. And the fucking witch who boned the banshee had a hairy pussy. Come the fuck on —"

"I had to track those trash down," said Lockhart. "Ask them how they did that shit. Then I had to kill them."

"So long gay boys. I'll have to kill you now. Can't have you revealing my secrets. I'd never get another dicksuck —"

"_Eat shit_!" Harry bellowed.

Lockhart got knocked the fuck out.

Ron snapped Lockhart's wand in half over his knee.

"Fuck you want?" said Moaning Myrtle.

"To ask you where the Chamber of Semen is," said Harry.

"Over there," said Myrtle, pointing at a sink.

"That was easy," said Ron.

Harry jammed a Padma Patil pipe bomb down the drain and detonated it, exposing a pipe wide enough to slide into.

Harry used Lockhart's limp body as a sled to slide down the pipe.

Ron pussied out.

Harry could see snake foreskin.

Lockhart got up — then dove for Harry's wand.

"Not so fast, bitch!" he said. "I shall take a bit of this foreskin for myself, tell them the bitch died, and that you _tragically_ committed suicide — toodle-oo, motherfucker!"

Harry beat the shitfuck to retardation and yelled, "_Shut up_!"


	17. The Whore of Slytherin

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

THE WHORE OF SLYTHERIN

"_Ginny_?"

"We've got to get the fuck out of here," Harry said. "I have had it with this motherfucking snake in this motherfucking chamber!"

"I opened the Chamber of Semen," said Ginny. "I choked Hagrid's chicken and wrote death threats on the walls. I set the basilisk on four Shitbloods and the Squeer's cat."

"Dafuq?" said Harry.

"How did you fucking do it?" he asked.

"Tom Riddle opened up and spilled all his shit," said Ginny.

"Little Tommy has been telling me all this sob story shit — how _you_ fucked up the greatest wizard of all time, how Lord Voldemort's ass was grass and _you_ were the lawn mower, how he had a faggy Muggle father..."

"It's fucking _boring_ to listen to a prepubescent boy," she went on.

"Mister Riddle fed me _his_ secrets, poured _his_ soul into _me_ …"

Riddle came out of the diary and possessed Ginny.

"_WHAT'S GOOD, NIGGA?_"

"Excuse me, Ginny?"  
>"Well I-I said um, <em>WHAT'S REALLY GOOD?<em>"

"Is there something _really good_ you'd like to share about the diary, Ginny?" said Harry.

"_FUCK YOUR DIARY NIGGA!_" Riddle spat.

"What's it to you, bitch?" said Harry.

"I am Voldemort," said Riddle.

He traced his wand through the air, writing:

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE

The letters rearranged.

I AM GOING TO FUCK YOU UP

"No," Harry said. "No. That's not true. That's impossible!"

A wild Fawkes appeared.

Fawkes dropped the Sorting Hat at Harry's feet.

"Pop, pop!" said the Sorting Hat.

"_How the fuck did you fucking survive twice_?" said Riddle.

"Fuck would I know," said Harry. "You're a mutie. You're retarded. You're homo. You're fugly, you're a fag —"

Riddle hissed — and Slytherin's mouth opened.

Something stirred inside.

"_Fuck off, I was sleeping_."

Slytherin's mouth closed.

"Son of a bitch..." said Riddle.

He raised his wand —

Harry dropped the bitch.

_Help me you dunce cap_ — Harry thought.

A whip appeared inside the hat.

Harry seized the whip and whipped the shit out of Riddle.

"_NIGGA! GET YO BLACK ASS OUTTA HERE!_"

Riddle writhed and twisted, screamed and flailed and then —

He had gone.

Ginny stirred.

Ginny was being a whiny little bitch.

Fawkes was waiting for them.

They flew upward through the pipe. Harry could hear Lockhart dangling under him, singing, "I believe I can fly."

"Speak into the mic, bitch!" Harry said, grabbing his crotch. All three of them hit the floor of the bathroom.

"If you had died, we'd have ghost sex," said Myrtle Bitch.

"Fuck!" said Ron. "Myrtle's _fugly_ as fuck!"


	18. Dobby's Sock

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

DOBBY'S SOCK

Mrs. Weasley leaped up.

"_How_ in the fuck did you do it?"

"Voldemort's nipple," said Harry. "Titty twister."

"Lord Voldemort enchanted Ginny," said Harry lying.

"Why so serious, Gaylord?" Dumbledore said.

When Dumbledore said his name, Lockhart looked at Ron.

"Am I retarded?" said Lockhart. "Fuck. I am retarded, aren't I?"

"Fuck me," said Dumbledore. "Impaled up your ass, Gaylord!"

"Hagrid's buttcrack," said Lockhart.

Lucius Malfoy bursted in.

Harry took off one of his dried semen socks.

"Mr. Mofo," he gasped, "I've got a present for you —"

And he forced the cum sock into Lucius Malfoy's hand.

"Dafuq —?"

Mr. Malfoy threw it aside.

"Come, Dobby. I said, _come_."

Dobby was jacking off in Harry's disgusting, cum sock.

"Master has given a sock to Dobby," said the elf.

"What the fuck did you say?" spat Mr. Malfoy.

"Jizzed in my pants," said Dobby. "Dobby is _free_."

"You've lost me my fucking slave, bitch!"

Dobby shouted, "You shall not rape Harry Potter!"

Dobby knocked Mr. Malfoy the fuck out.

Harry went to the Hogwarts rave. Everyone had glowsticks, and the celebration was an all-nighter. Hermione ran toward him, screaming "You saved the world tonight!" and Justin, dick in hand, apologized for being a homo. Hagrid turned up with a limp. Harry and Ron knocked back hard liquor, securing The Shit Cup for Gryffindor. Professor McGonagall told them exams had been canceled. ("_Bitch_!" said Hermione). Dumbledore announced Professor Lockhart needed to go away to an insane asylum.

"Damn shame," said Ron. "I was starting to like him."

It was time for the journey home.

"Percy's got a _boyfriend_," said Ginny.

"_Fag_."

"It's that Ravenclaw prefect, Odysseus Clearwater," said Ginny. "I walked in on them _fucking_. He was so upset when I attacked him."

The Hogwarts Express stopped.

"This is a telephone number," he told Ron. "I told your dad how to call a phone sex line. Call it. I can't fucking take another two fucking months talking to fucking Dudley..."

"Call me maybe?" said Hermione.

"Mos def," said Harry.


End file.
